Foreword
You'll never guess... Things were going fine. I was having art shows everywhere and nowhere. I was hanging with my friends and making new friends. I was "getting down" and I was getting up. A few days after posting my last blog, I was writing up an outline for my next one. Location: Ringer Park. Just chillin' on a big rock, conversing with C3P-Phone. We were discussing all my plans and all I had done in the few days before this story takes place. Feeling an itch on my neck, I turned my head skyward to lend a generous heap of fingernail to the situation. Staring at the sky, I was shocked to find out that there were two moons. Yeah, and they were just mooning about, the nerve! And we all know what it means when there's two moons in the orgy with Earth: GIANT INVISIBLE FLYING CARNIVOROUS WHALES! There's no photo of one, C3P-Phone and I were gobbled up before being able to snap one off. Sorry.
Surprisingly enough, getting chewed to pieces did not hurt. Strange. Then after being turned into ground beef, we were swallowed. The end. Haha. Actually when our bodies (my fleshy lumps and C3P-Phone's electronics) finally reached the stomach, we were put all back into one piece magically. Cause Harry Potter was in the whale's tumtum too! The coolest part is when I said "one piece" I mean C3P-Phone became a part of my brain. Totally.cool.i.know. Thanks first year, mistake making, previous Hogwarts now whale belly resident. So I typed this whole blog with my brain. Only problem is there's no damn AT&T service in there so I had to wait till after my glorious escape to post this.
Chapter 1: the Animapostles
So I set about to find a way out. Didn't find shit, except for a Mac. So I said fuck it, and put together this blog, and did some artwork. I was down there forty-two years, I had to do something to keep sane. So before I ever even met Herbert (that's the whale, I'll explain in a minute), I was working on a painting for my homie Will Strong (founder of WhipStrong). Will had a beautiful exposed brick wall, and I'm saddened to say it was painted white, but exposed brick non-the-less. And there was no damn art on it. What?! Which was great cause he wanted my art on it! So I set out to fill a wall. I sketched all my thoughts out in Photoshop.
I must have been using my prophetic personality cause I totally wanted to paint a flying killer whale (Will's idea). After getting the sketch nice and toasty I got the image printed at a company I won't mention cause I hate them. The image printed as three panels which I wheat-pasted to three canvases. Each one 3 feet by 4 feet, for a total painting size of 9 feet by 4 feet.
Then I pulled out some old school shit and started coloring between the lines... Ha, how challenging it was as a child. Then I busted out the markers and spray paint for details and shading. My markers are filled with fat-free ink, just in case you were wondering. Unpasteurized.
Finally, after about a month and a half, it was done! I titled it: Full-Throttle Animapostles. View:
To kill some time down in Herbert's food processor, I made this video with a bunch of process photos and my god-like Photoshop skills.
The song is and instrumental by Virtue (of FamelessFam). The song is called Constello Instrumental. You can find more of Virtue's shit at FamelessFam.com and I must recommend purchasing his latest album which dropped July 5th, called "Following Wild." It features DJ Emoh Betta on the scratchyscratchy. Look for the "Following Wild Limited Edition Physical" cause it features a zine that I produced to accompany the album as well as a cut out and fold Virtue and a cut out and fold Emoh with a DJ table and it comes with four different cut out and fold hats. And it's dope and there's only 250 of those being made (so hurry up). But the real awesomeness is the album itself. Digital copies available at FamelessFam.com
After finally finishing Full-Throttle Animapostles, Will and I set out to hang it as professionally as possible. By that I mean Will did all the work and I took photos.
And here is one happy painting owner with a happy new painting.
And now we move on to the unhappiness.
Chapter 2: Oh, So Swiney
So long after having wandered around for years and finding no hope of escape, I was taking a stroll through Herbert's throat, and I was hungry and so so so so unhappy. So I reached down to the "ground" and pulled up a chuck of meat. It was oh so delicious! Then I noticed, in the esophagus crater now missing a quarter pounder's worth of meat, there was a handle. With a little inscription that said "Quasi-Allston." I was dumbstruck. What like bizzaro Allston? Or like outerspace Allston? Or possibly even future Allston. All of these thoughts scared the hell out of me. Only one way to find out I told myself.
CLICK. FSSSVVVVVVVVVVTKK!!!
The meaty door opened. And I fell upside down onto Harvard Avenue. I stood up and brushed the chunks of Herbert off my pants, and looked around. It was Allston, don't even remember why I thought it would be quazarred or quasi or Quentin Tarantino or whatever it was. Point is: I WAS HOME! Awesooommmm....... Ummm... But wait, this wasn't home. It couldn't be. It was clean, there was no art or graffiti. Gary was sane and had a fondness for Jews and Rad Rob was actually handing out money. What the fuck? Just then a gang of circus dwarfs all picked me up and dragged me to an apartment off of Comm Ave. There I was forced at knife point, ah. Who am I kidding? I was talked into (without the use of a sharp tool of destruction) working on a music video for Bunny's A Swine. I was to team up with my close friend, Quasi-Taj, A.K.A. Quasi-
Sol9, A.K.A. Quasi-DJ Jipeto, A.K.A. Quasi-the best man, in order to give a dude some fake tattoos.
Working with a talented duo of directors/producers/videographers as
Loroto is always a joy. These are the same quasi friends who once did an article about Stay Cute and I for the Boston Phoenix, in the real world of course, totally not quasi. And I love painting on people, err. Is it quasi-people?
The subject.
Note: with diamond throat
Iansanity
Top: Iansanity
Bottom: Sol9
Top: Sol9
Bottom: Iansanity
Here's The video:
"I Should Have Left the Bushes Hours Ago" by Bunny's A Swine from loroto on Vimeo.
Eh? EH? What did you think? Pretty cool I know. It's a lot like when someone says they were in a movie or something and they were in the background and super fuzzy. But it's cool cause you knew they were there! So yeah. I'm cool cause I was there. Well I'm proud of my tattoo anyways.
So anyways. I did that. But I was still in Quasi-Allston. This is the part of the story that's like Inception (the film), where I begin to think that all this is the real world, and I'm living in utopia. I'm in a dream inside of a dream which is in another dream and so on and so on. My damn top never stopped spinning!
Chapter 3: The Escape
Eventually Joseph Gordon Levitt busted through a wall and dragged me into a dark room in the back of Quasi-Blanchards. There he asked me to eat a red pill or a blue pill. Now, I've seen The Matrix, so I know that I'm a battery. I'm pretty cool with that. But I took both pills, haha, just to see what would happen. Turns out they had nothing to do with The Matrix. They were drugs. Oops. But they opened my mind see, Joseph broadened my visual and mental spectrum and I finally saw what was up. It was Herbert's stomach acid rain. Anyways, I realized after 2 decades that I was not in the real world. I was still in that whale. Damn mammal. But JDL and I formed a spiritual wicken group to control the beast.
For several months, we tapped into Herbert's brain (of course C3P-Phone's and my infusion helped), scoring valuable information. Tidbits like: his favorite color was bourbon brown, he loved Justin Timberlake (me too), his name was indeed Herbert, he liked Half-Baked by Ben & Jerry's. We learned all sorts of crazy stuff. Herbert at heart was a steampunk. Cool. JDL and I used the knowledge we had gained in order to hatch a plan for our escape. We rallied all the quasi-troops that we could from quasi-Allston. We waited until Herbert was at his happiest (after eighteen thousand pints of ice cream) and we took him by storm. Half our troops ran towards his brain with broken bottles, and the other half towards his stomach. A double whammy. Brain pain and upset whale belly, Herbert thought it was just the normal after effects of too much ice cream, but no. We poked and we jabbed. We cut away his soul. It took us about two years to dig our way out of his huge body, but at least we had plenty of food.
Turns out he (Herbert) had just been floating around Brighton for the last forty two years. Well, forty two quasi years. It had really only been two months real time. I was finally free! Then without thinking I brought all the quasi-Allstonians into town to meet the real Allstonians. Dumb move. The universe imploded. Although my top still ahsn't stopped spinning. Don't sue me Leo.
